Well it was bound to Happen

Well, I knew this day was coming eventually, but it still sorta took me by surprise. Maybe because it was around 12:30 at night.  Emily wasn’t feeling well Sat night so she came and got in bed with me.   “Mommy, who is going to help you get the baby out of your belly?”    Oh crap.  So I told her that Mommy would go to the hospital, but I would probably be able to get her out by myself, but Daddy would be there to help and there would be doctors if I needed them.   “Are the doctors going to cut your belly?”   Well hopefully not, but if we need them too, they will be there to help Mommy. Mommy thinks she will be able to get the baby out without the doctors cutting her.  “Where does the baby come out, your belly button?”   CRAP CRAP CRAP.  So then I had to go into the whole Mommies have a special hole called a birth canal and Mommy will push the baby out when it’s time.   Her response to this “EWWWW”   LOL  But THEN…. “was *I* in your belly Mommy?”   No sweetie. You were in your China mommy’s belly, not Mommy’s.   “Well who is she? What’s her name?”    I told her we didn’t know but it was ok to think about her.   The icing on the cake?  Emily goes “I have an idea Mommy. Let’s get on an airplane and go to China and find out my China mommy’s name, ok?”     I told her she was very smart and it WAS a good idea but since it was the middle of the night we would have to think about it tomorrow. 

 

I didn’t cry.  But I wanted too.  It’s not fair that I know this thing that will cause her some stress/anxiety/sadness and she doesn’t.  But I know that she WILL know it, and I’ll be the one to tell her . And it will probably be pretty soon.  I wish I could keep her not sad for a long, long time.   Like, forever. Is that too much to ask?    And then the other part of me, the pregnant part of me, wants to just howl in misery with this woman I’ve never met and never will meet.  Her soul must have been shattered.  She felt Emily in her stomach, just like I’m feeling little bean now. And then she never got to sing her goodnight? Or tuck her in, or give her a hug when she was sad or happy? It’s sooo NOT FAIR.  It’s not fair that my greatest happiness came at this kind of cost. 

 

Right now, I’m trying to concentrate on the good. Emily knows she can ask me anything and I know I can tell her. I mean, I got thru that pretty good. Really, much better than I thought I would.  And I had a chance to prep Tony about it too, so that he knows it’s coming. Because Emily doesn’t give up on things, she’s very tenacious. (she gets that from me!)  So she’ll ask again. and again. And again.  But it’s ok. Because she knows we’re here and not going anywhere.